Jessica Freeman at The College Conservative offers up a quick and dirty guide to make sure every space is a safe space:

Official Approved and Endorsed Words, Sayings, and Phrases for Public Use:

  • Greetings. (Not “hi,” lest it be confused with “high” if accidentally said to a drug addict. Also not “hello” because it contains “hell,” which could offend both religious believers and atheists who disavow the notion entirely.)
  • I consumed water this morning. (Do not use the words “drank” or “ate” or any form thereof; this could offend an alcoholic or someone struggling with an eating disorder. Do not name any specific foods or beverages, in case your conversation partner doesn’t like said food or beverage. The individual might even be vegetarian, vegan, or suffering from an uncommon allergy, and use of the word could violate their dietary restrictions and kill them.**)
  • What a day. (Do not describe the day as “nice” or “rainy,” etc., because your conversation partner may not be having a nice day, or may assume that by pointing out the precipitation, you’re really pointing out that you’ve noticed how frizzy their hair is. Or, if they have no hair, you may only be reminding of their bare scalp with condescension because it cannot be frizzy at all. Even mentioning “day” is risky, as some people may be nocturnal. Check for signs of nocturnal behaviors first: pale, translucent skin, red eyes, frequent yawning if awake during daylight, aversion to garlic, etc.)
  • Yes. (It is impolite to disagree, ever.)
  • I am a human. (Describing yourself in any other specific way can be offensive. If  you tell someone you’re happy, it is like saying they are depressed. If you say you are a man or woman, you uphold the injustice of societally-mandated gender roles and defy gender neutrality. You monster. If you say you’re a doctor, they might think you’re putting yourself above them, flaunting your advanced medical knowledge or financial status. (Even if someone is dying in public, it is better to be safe than sorry; you must never yell “I’m a doctor!”))
  • That’s a color. (Do not mention specific colors; they all bring up different feelings and images for different people. You never know who might hear blue and think “homophobia,” hear pink and “communist,” or hear orange and think “racism.” For this reason, it is also advisable to avoid wearing colors unless all colors are present, forming the unanimously-loved LGBTIQTHSJ rainbow.)
  • Wow.  (But only in response to other Officially Endorsed Words and Phrases. And don’t get too specific. Just say it and move on.)
  • I admire you. (“Love” is too complicated, too big of a commitment, and way too controversial (“Same Love,” anyone?) Besides, who really knows its meaning anyway? Sidenote: if you say this one to one person, you must say it to everyone.)
  • Any profane expletives (Where would the English language be without America’s favorite three-, four-, and five-letter words? Realistically, these must stay, as a distinguishing mark of true civilized society.)
  • Hey, I’m not judging. (This must be spoken at least once in every conversation. Thou shalt not judge.)
  • The church is wrong, and Christians are hateful. (Only really intolerant people are offended by this, and who cares about them anyway?)