College admissions officers seem so nice and polite.

However, this seems to be a thin veneer. One counselor recently sen an e-mail with the subject line “The Greatest Line I never Said,” asked others admissions professionals to share things they really, really wanted to say to students but didn’t.

Here are some of the results:

Maybe…If You Were the Last Student on Earth

“I was reminded of an interaction with a student … She told me that she was interested in applying to Dartmouth. I looked at her challenging transcript and I was SO tempted to say: ‘If an asteroid strikes the earth and kills every teenager but you, you MIGHT make the wait list.’”

May I Suggest Another Career Option?

To quote the great Judge Smails from Caddyshack, the line that always goes through my head is, “Well, the world needs ditch-diggers, too.”

I’m Due Back on Planet Earth

I was working with a friend of my daughter who along with her parents were very unrealistic about her college choices ( champagne dreams on a near beer academic record). The line that kept turning over and over in my mind as I worked with them was from Woody Allen’s “Annie Hall” when Woody Allen’s character says, “I’d love to continue this conversation but I’m due back on the planet Earth.” I was able to contain myself and not blurt out this line. The student ended up applying to schools that I told her were probably not going to admit her and I was right. Only after all these denials did she consider applying (late) to colleges that I asked her to consider. The happy ending is that one of those colleges admitted her and she did well and graduated from that college.

A School in Colorado Would Be a Better Match

“One of my extremely intelligent, less motivated/self-medicated students went to a large, prestigious flagship university to pursue a pre-med track and dropped out after his freshman year with a transcript full of failed classes and a W’s. He casually said, ‘Oh, it’s all good. I’ll just pursue pre-med at a community college and go to medical school from there.’ With a sympathetic smile on my face, my inner voice responded, ‘Really? Medical school where? The University of Burundi?’ I think he’s currently pursuing the high life in Colorado, and I’m not talking about the ski slopes.”