NOTE: This is not a parody. This is not The Onion.

This is real “news” from Upma Kapoor of USA Today.

Advice for your undergraduate career from Beyoncé

The ever-changing landscape of pop music features bandwagons that are irresistibly enticing to join. Recently, we have witnessed the rise and return of boy bands on the radio (i.e. One Direction) and the lament of longing that 20-something girls constantly croon (Carly Rae Jepsen’s Call Me Maybe).

But there is one classic performer who has remained an awesome, active presence in music since the ‘90s: Beyoncé.

Hip-hop, R&B, pop: Girl has it all on lock. Each song is as fearless as she is with her solo career. I have yet to come across another female figure in the industry as intimate, wise and empowering as Beyoncé.

College can be intimidating at first. However, it is so much easier to abandon your anxiety in exchange for strength when listening to Beyoncé. These songs, with lyrics taken entirely out of context, truly guide my undergraduate experience and will enhance yours.

Folks, if your undergraduate career hinges on advice from Beyoncé, you’re wasting your own time and other people’s money.

Hang it up and go home.