College students are struggling to find jobs in a challenging economic climate.

To lighten the mood during their searches, Columbia University student Walker Harrison shares a humorous cover letters supposedly found at the school’s career center as examples...of what not to do!

To Whom It May Concern,

I write to express my interest in the position of Financial Analyst at J.P. Morgan. Based on the career efforts of my friends, I’ve deduced that following college you can a) go into banking, b) move back in with your parents, or c) resort to prostitution. Seems like a pretty easy choice!

You’ll see on my resume that I may not have the conventional background of someone interested in the position, but I’d like to explain how I’m still an excellent candidate. I am not an economics major, but I am a classics major, and, after all, the word economics is merely a derivative of the Greek words oikos and nomos, meaning yogurt and gnomes, respectively. That alone should show you the extent of my academic preparation.

As for professional experience, I cannot boast of working at any financial institutions. However, I did work for the Bronx Zoo during the summer after 8th grade, where I was in charge of restocking the food for the big cats. How better to learn about fat cats than by actually feeding lions and tigers? I rest my case.

Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to be hearing from you!

And something from a “chemistry major”:

Dear Prospective Employer,

I’d like to apply for the recently vacated position of Marketing Director at Gold Bullion International. I know for a fact that the previous holder of this job died in the past week from an apparent poisoning of his pumpkin spice latte. After taking a moment to grieve, I think we should view this as an opportunity to move on and replace him with someone who really, really wants his job and would do quite a bit to get it. Like me. For personal reasons, I cannot give you my home address or phone number. If you’d like to contact me, you may leave a sealed letter on the bench next to the 116th Street entrance to Riverside Park (after 2 a.m.).
Major: Chemistry
Previous experience: Barista at Starbucks