J.P. Harrington of the Dartmouth Review’s blog, the Dartlog, has some fun with Barack Obama’s biography below.

While the majority of the piece is humorous, be sure to read it all for the serious conclusion.

The conventions are finally over. Mitt Romney reintroduced himself to the American people as a man with business smarts, principles, and experience turning around failing organizations. The Democratic party responded by attacking Mitt Romney and generally avoiding any discussion of the past four years. As a result, I’d like to provide a Brooks-esque reintroduction to our President, a man with an always shifting and mysterious background, so that the American people can make a fully informed decision on Nov. 6th. Fortunately, I have spent four years researching the inscrutable man in the White House and can now provide you with unique insight into the newly revised campaign biography.

Barack Obama was born on August 4^th, 1961 in Hawaii, Indonesia and Kenya, depending on whether he was applying for President of the United States, a college scholarship for international students, or for a book deal about his struggle with his racial identity. He burst forth from his mother’s womb in a cloud of smoke, which may or may not have been related to the half-empty pack of cigarettes the future President clutched tightly in his left hand. After being named for his Russian-speaking Marxist anti-colonialist father, the nurses turned away for a second during which time the precocious young man had already rolled his birth certificate into a fat joint and lit it on fire. This daring act of rebellion would later result in some trouble for Barack – or Barry as he preferred to be known.

Barry was a brilliant and talented child. Or so his mother told him. He uttered his first words in English at the ripe age of 36 months, but it was clear that little O had been waiting for just the right moment. The momentous occasion was a play date with a young girl who had just managed to construct a knee-high tower out of Lego blocks. Barry, frightened that his comrade might develop a sense of self-worth, accomplishment or individualism, broke his non-denominational vow of silence to tell her, “You didn’t build that.”